If you are seeking a Chinese lady in China for dating, you have to understand what are the cultural courtship differences between Chinese dating culture and western standards.

As human beings, everyone of us is different, however we are social beings who tend to behave and fit into our own culture. Therefore it is important in a cross cultural relationship to understand the rules and etiquette about first dates, making out, marriage, social expectations.

Understanding Chinese culture

Almost all Chinese society is patriarchal. In a family with sons and daughters, ranking in the family is based on hierarchy: Males in order of descending age followed by females. For example, a 5-year-old son outranks his 35-year-old mother (and the father will let both the mother and son know this). Young women are at the bottom of the totem pole and they will be reminded constantly.

The one child policy in China has forced couple to favor male over female because a son can carry on the family surname. A newborn son has four doting grandparents and parents which give rise to phenomenon of spoiled brats nicknamed “Little Emperors”.

Influence of Chinese parents’ background

Attitudes toward sex, relationships will be generally more conservative and traditional. However it depends on the Chinese parents’ educational background, whether they are affluent or come from the countryside.

A Chinese woman in China maybe ultra conservative or liberal which depend on whether she will obey her parents rule or want to break free.

How to win over her Chinese parents

If you are already in a serious relationship with a Chinese girl, then you have to work hard to win over her parents. If you are not wealthy, then stereotypically her Chinese parents may not like their daughter dating a “gui lo” (white ghost) a Cantonese that describe a foreign white man.

The fact that you are a “gui lo” work against you in the first place. You have to tread carefully and play your chess right when you are meeting prospective parents-in-law.

Tips to win over her Chinese parents

Obedience and conforming to social rules is extremely important in Chinese families than in Western families. Chinese society is much more hierarchical and less egalitarian.

• Do not argue or talk back. “Saving face” is very important to a Chinese; which mean avoid embarrassing her parents in front of family members or friends
• Bring small gift such as exotic fruits, chocolate, premium chinese dried food (scallops, mushrooms, abalone) – when visiting  her parents’ house will win huge points with them
• Always be polite. Do not address her parents or elders by their first names like in the west

Money is a huge factor. Chinese parents will always respect money. Showing that you are a professional (doctor, lawyer, etc.) will win you big bonus points.

Be prepared to field a lot of questions about your parents including what they do, how you were brought up and your job. The better your job or more educated you are, the more they will like you.

Why divorce is unacceptable in Chinese society

If you are divorced, that’s a big strike against you. Chinese people dislike Westerners culture of letting their hormones run their lives, changing partners the way they would change clothes.

Chinese people view marriage as sacred and a couple will work out the marriage problems. One of the partner may even choose to suffer silently then resorting to the easy way of divorce.

In the west, divorce is common and westerners treat marriage like a lottery game with the mentality that you will not win on the first try. For the Chinese people, divorce is completely unthinkable and society despised those who are divorced.

If a Chinese woman is divorced, she will not get remarried easily. Chinese people treat a female divorcee as “discarded goods”, because divorce is the only the last resort they will choose.

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Due to China’s rapid economic growth and the soaring divorce rate over the past ten years, Chinese women in China dating and marital preferences have changed significantly.

What Chinese women want

Chinese girls are searching for stability and dependability in a future spouse. A partner who is committed to her for the long haul. Chinese girls want a man of good character and balanced temperament who is not going to cheat on them or leave them in 15 years for a younger woman as soon as he can afford to do so.

A man’s profession which translate into future earning potential and education are the first two information Chinese women would like to know before dating. Chinese girls would place profession and education as more important than physical appearance when it comes to dating and marriage.

The  importance of education is deeply ingrained in the cultural norm and the Chinese believe that a man should be better educated than his girlfriend or wife.

Chinese girls consider faithfulness, dependability and honesty more important than his sense of humor, kindness and romanticism.

How do Chinese girls express their interest in you

Physical displays of affection are relatively uncommon in conservative China. If a Chinese girl expresses verbal affection to you, eg, “I miss you,” or displays any physical intimacy eg, holding your hand, rubbing your shoulder, etc, you can safely assume that she already view you as her future husband.

A sure-fire way to confirm that A Chinese girl is quite serious about you is when you learnt that she has spoken to her mother about you. As a rule, Chinese girls will not discuss any man they are seeing (not even with their girlfriends) unless she have decided that this is the person she want to be with.

If you are not serious and does not have marriage in mind, it is advisable not meet her family. The reason is because if a Chinese girl invites you to meet her family, this symbolise a formal announcement of engagement in the West.

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Almost all young Chinese women prefer local native Chinese men for dating or marriage. Young Chinese girls would consider dating a foreigner if the right one came along. However their parents would never agree to their daughter dating or marrying a foreigner.  Cultural differences leading to problems and difficulty in communicating with each other are some reasons why Chinese girls still prefer dating Chinese men.

Which type of Chinese girls seek foreign men

For those Chinese women who are deemed by Chinese society as ‘expired’ (age 30 onwards) or ‘leftover’ (divorcee), foreign men provide an attractive alternative to these Chinese women who feel they are not highly desirable enough to attract Chinese men.

Women who are considered to be ugly or just mediocre in appearance by Chinese social standards : Chinese women with darker-toned skin and Chinese women of minority race.

There are huge differences between how westerners and Chinese perceived beauty and attractiveness. For example, Zhang Ziyi and Lucy Liu are popular and well-received in the west however people in China do not consider Zhang Ziyi and Lucy Liu as beautiful.

In fact they are look upon as ugly by Chinese standards of beauty. The reason is because Chinese men desire women with big round eyes, fair porcelain skin and long straight hair. Unlike western stereotypical preference for Asian women who are petite and with slanted eyes.

Why divorced Chinese women are seen as undesirable by Chinese society

Women who are divorced and the problem worsened if they have a child. Although times have changed, Chinese men still scoffed at Chinese women who are divorced.

The reason is because : Chinese believed that marriage is for life and they view marriage very seriously unlike in the west. Moreover Chinese men viewed divorced Chinese women with children as “leftover”, they do not want to carry the burden of raising children that are not their own.

The Chinese believed that whatever the difficulties the couple have encountered, the husband and wife must endure and work on their problems instead of choosing divorce as an easy way out. Instead of finding ironic and lame excuses like incompatibility ( if you are incompatible with your partner why marry him/her in the first place? you should quit during the dating process)

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There are many young and beautiful Chinese women in the big cities such as Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, Shenzhen who are willing to have a causal relationship.These young Chinese girls are usually under 26 years old, well-educated, upwardly mobile Chinese women. Most of them are not marriage-minded and they are searching for a mutually satisfying short-term relationship.

Why Chinese girls are alluring

Chinese girls do not always try to put you down unlike western women. Most of them are genuinely polite and open minded. Their shyness may give off a mystique that is captivating and may sweep off your feet. These add a certain exotic aura to them and their friendliness are confidence boosting for some foreigners.

For western men looking for a relationship with Chinese girls, it is an encouraging experience for foreign men who are being shunned by women in their own countries. However please be aware of the social taboos or faux-pas as dating in China is entirely different from the west.

Young Chinese women dating beliefs

Chinese young adults in Beijing and Shanghai may be trying to emulate the same sexual freedom and social acceptance found in western countries. Young Chinese are well-informed by their awareness of the Western world around them through movies, popular cable tv programs and the internet.

Young Chinese girls do not subscribed to the idea that people should remain a virgin before getting married. They regard this as an old and obsolete tradition practice by the older generation.

If you come across a Chinese girl who is not particularly interested in security and dependability, then she is only looking to have a ‘good time’ aka friends with benefits type of relationship.

However most of Chinese women know the consequences of dating a foreigner. The vast majority of Chinese men will automatically eliminate any Chinese girl who has dated a Westerner as a viable marriage partner.

Some Chinese girls may prefer foreign men depending on their particular preferences. However once they reach a certain age (late twenties) they would feel that they have had their fun and want to find a man to settle down with leading to marriage and children.

What mature Chinese women want

Chinese women who are in late thirties are considered ‘old’ by Chinese dating standards. When searching for a suitable marriage partner, they tend to value security and dependability far more than physical attractiveness.

It is not that older Chinese women would not prefer a handsome young man, but because they do not have a choice as they are regarded as unattractive or “too old” by Chinese social standards.

Please be sure to ask them about their backgrounds as there are different types of Chinese women on the Chinese online dating websites. Examples include aging KTV girls, divorced women with children, gold diggers, visa hunters, wealthy married middle-aged women who are extremely lonely and bored and poor rural Chinese girls who are looking to improve their quality of life.

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Dating Chinese girls is entirely different from the western culture. To avoid misunderstandings and awkward situations, it is better to appreciate and understand the Chinese dating etiquette and their views on relationships and sex.

Understanding Chinese dating beliefs

Besides the first tier cities like Beijing, Shanghai, Guandong, China is still an agricultural country where most of Chinese women in China come from relatively poor families and the countryside. Because of Chinese tradition preference for male babies, the sex ratio between male and female are lopsided. There are more male babies born than female babies.

For many Chinese girls, these means that they have to compete for Chinese men in China if they are not pretty enough. Some of Chinese girls even contemplate to pursue foreign men as an attractive proposition.

There is saying that is repeated among Chinese parents to their children in poor rural countryside:  “marrying a poor foreigner is always better than marrying a rich Chinese”. The reason is that when a Chinese man gets rich, he will tend to seek mistresses (xiao san) thus affecting the marriage and neglecting his wife.

Common Chinese dating practices

Casual dating is non-existent in China so avoid these kind behavior as most of Chinese girls simply do not understand or feel comfortable with the Western concept of serial dating. Chinese girls might misunderstand and even view men who serial date as a womanizer.

The dating process is often filled with intelligence reports from their circle of friends. Therefore if a Chinese girl is attracted to a particular male friend or colleague, her friends will inform her with his age, educational level, earning potential, overall personality, temperament and his ability to provide for her and her family.

Chinese women group dating

If a Chinese man or woman is interested in someone, a mutual friend will arrange a dinner with a group of six to eight people. Another situation is where a mutual friend decides to play matchmaker between two friends or colleagues.

The two interested or intended parties will not be seated side by side but separated by at least two to three other people. This allows them to be close enough to communicate with each other to determine their personality in the social setting.

During this “qualifying-stage” dinner, mutual friends will direct the conversation towards topics such as current occupation, educational and relationship history, children, family background, present living arrangements, etc that allow the Chinese man or woman to qualify each other as potential dating partner.

This social arrangement makes it very convenient for each party to save face if one of the party is not interested thus saving undue embarrassment. “Saving face” is very important in Chinese social culture.

If there is mutual interest between the two parties, Chinese woman will be more obvious  in terms of eye contact, facial expressions, the number and types of questions that were asked of each other.

After a group meeting, if a Chinese girl agrees to go out with the man then it will be the first date, she is formally acknowledging this man as a viable candidate for marriage.

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